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Welcome to TWOface.com. Last Update: February 21, 2003

Holla at Us

11 million people die in their sleep each year. Don't become a statistic.

When someone says "expect the unexpected," doesn't that mean the unexpected is expected?

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

The Internet is a gateway to get on the net.  ~Bob Dole

If they spell a word wrong in the dictionary, how will we know?

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G. Diddy: I haven't seen that man around, hear me dammit!
Bashir: Do u think he would be up here with you?
G to the o-d: I dont know. He was a pretty good guy, although the excessive touching of himself is frowned upon.
Bashir: If he isn't here, where should we look?
G dog: Hmmmm. Even though I'm all knowing, I'm no Miss Cleo. I would look into the Himalyas, Gobi Desert, the Saharra, and from what I've seen, your local titty bars. (Oh, better check hell too, just in case)

Keep looking , the truth is out there- oh shit that's a trademark,....I mean the truth is over there...somewhere yep.
Frank Bongo

  Based on the success of the recent ad campaign that discourages people from buying SUVs, the Ad Council is releasing a series of commercials that make people aware of other items they commonly use, but that actually support terrorism. Here's the script for one of these new commercials:

This is Jane. She is a 37 year old secretary  living in Austin, Texas. She has two sons and a daughter in college. This is Jane's favorite meal, Kraft EasyMac. This is the microwave Jane uses to cook her Kraft EasyMac (she just adds 2/3 cups of water and microwaves for four minutes and voila! she has a delicious cheesy meal the whole family can enjoy, but that's beside the point). This is the energy company that receives money from Jane every time she uses her microwave to cook EasyMac. This is the corrupt worker at the energy company that steals the money Jane sent the energy company because she used her microwave. This is the militant group in Somalia that is given the money that the corrupt worker stole from the energy company that Jane sent money to for using her microwave because she loves EasyMac. This is the family that the terrorist group in Somalia was able to rape and murder because of the money they received from the worker at the energy company that stole the money Jane sent them because she used her microwave to cook some EasyMac.....Harmless?....Submitted by Ad Council to R.Mania

In response to recent pressure by gay activists, the Pope has called for a reform to the Bible in which the story of "Adam and Eve" will be replaced by new version entitled "Adam and Steve." The Church has been looking for ways to become more politically correct by representing more minority groups in the Bible, and felt this was the perfect opportunity. This move is part much larger campaign started by the Church to clear up misconceptions that gays, among other minorities, aren't welcome in Christian society. When asked how the new story attempted to explain the start of the human race, the Pope responded "No one believed that (expletive) anyway. It's pretty obvious we were cloned from aliens." Among other changes, the story of Kane and Abel has been given a facelift entitled "Kane and Abel: Tha Remix"......R.manîa

OBITUARY:Popular columnist on the satire website twofirms.netfirms.com Joe McMahon, better known as Dr.j, died tragically last Thursday. Inspired by the films Final Destination and Final Destination 2, McMahon decided he would cheat death to boost hits on the site many believe is losing its edge and may have to resort to crazy and ridiculous stunts.(wink!) McMahon decided to put three rabid and starved spider monkeys, all of which had the name of the website spray painted on their backs, down his pants in downtown Miami. He was quoted that fateful day saying ironically," Death ain't nuthin but a pussy. Death is a whiny bitch! Death is going to lick my balls today boys!" Sadly, it was Joe who licked the bitter balls of death.
-from the Miami Herald written by Ted Nugent

Jonathan Murray, co-executive producer of the MTV reality series The Real World, reported Monday that with just weeks to go before shooting begins, the eating-disorder slot for the cast of Real World 13: Paris remains unfilled. "We're still trying to find a hot young bulimic or anorexic, ideally with bisexual leanings," Murray said. "We found a woman who was perfect, except she was Asian, and we already had our non-black minority slot filled." Murray said that as a last resort, he has a perky blonde sexual-abuse victim ready to go.

The new Jerry Bruckheimer comedy Kangaroo Jack has successfully tapped into America's longstanding love affair with rapping kangaroos, taking in a box-office-best $17.7 million in its opening weekend. "From Krazy Legs Kangol in the early '80s to such New School acts as Pouch Gangstas and Tha Mar$upials, kangaroos have always been at the forefront of the rap scene," media analyst Glen Coffey said. "But not until now has anyone had the vision to exploit this trend in a full-length feature film." Warner Bros. has already confirmed plans for a sequel, Koala Bob, featuring a computer-generated beat-boxing koala who steals $50 million in gold bullion... and he's not giving it back.

A recently done survey asked the question if you could have anything, what would it be? A startling 60% of you, the people, answered that you would most want a pool full of jello (preferably green). I, C VO, am here to report to you about the downsides to a pool full of jello. Pardon the pun, but when you jump in you just got yourself into one sticky situation (I  intended the pun). Also, think about it, when you dive into this magnificent delight the density of the jello will not be able to support your body weight (I'm not saying your fat or anything), which will cause you to go straight to the bottom where you hit your head and die. But say you were to go in using the steps, put your head under, and start eating I don't believe you would be able to push your way back up unless you ate through the jello which is physically impossible (unless your that little Japanese guy that one the hot dog eating contest, then again he only specializes in hot dogs). Also, the pool of jello would melt in a day taking all of the fun away. You would have to buy an indoor pool with climate control (those things are running expensive these days). Did you think about the bugs that would come because of this pool? or how long it would take before it became rotten? I bet you didn't (just guesstimating). Last but not least if you had this quote unquote (felt like writing it out) pool of jello, would you really want that much of it?!?! I mean for goodness sakes I get tired of it after one of those little cups of it!!!!!!!....just something to think about... your main man C VO 

ROYAL CRISIS: I visited Great Britain with my English buddy R. mania over winter break (not allowed to call it christmas break due to other religions). While we were there we interviewed some of the good 'ole Limeys on the lower east side (by the royal palace). We found true English men to interview (we looked for bad hygiene; hair, teeth, etc etc). As the interviews went on we found a trend... they all hated the royal family! The reason for their hatred is mainly the taxes they have to pay because of the royal family. You see the people over there wouldn't be so mad about paying taxes if the family actually did anything!!! All they are is pretty faces (an exception to that is queen elizabeth, but prince henry is such a cutie). They are always causing trouble. For instance, princess diana goes and gets herself killed causing a stir in the media and our little henry is all grown up now and has experienced the joys that come with drinking and puffing the cheeba. On that note I would like to leave you now with a chant we heard so much on our visit to England, "GOD KILL THE QUEEN!!".....C. VO

When you are walking down the halls do you ever fall into what I like to call the "mirror trap?" For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about the mirror trap is when you bump into someone going in the opposite direction as you and when you try to go around them they go that way, then when you go the other way they do the same. I did some research and came up with some rather odd data. There are a couple of things that can be going on when the mirror trap occurs. Scientists say that you actually read a persons mind and mean to go in the same direction as them. Also, you probably don't even know this but you could actually be competing in a game with them (somewhat like chicken) where the first person to just stop and go around them loses. I found out the longest time a mirror trap has ever gone on was 2 days! So next time you bump into someone in the halls try playing the game, it is fun for everyone (I try to liven my games up by putting money on them)..........C.Vo